I’d Rather Kill My Heart Before I Let You Break It


Sunday morning God showed me a picture of a woman gripping for dear life to her heart. That woman was me that He was showing. For the past couple of weeks I have been praying for my own heart and for the hearts of those closest to me. On this particular Sunday God revealed to me the condition of my heart and I was completely oblivious to it.

He showed me how I have put a grip so tight onto my heart to the point of suffocation. He told me that I was holding onto my heart so tight out of fear of giving it to anyone that I was actually doing more harm than help. I was killing my own heart all because of fear of it being broke again. I am sure this is all interesting coming from “the caged in heart lady” right?!

Well, I finally was able to free my heart from the cage that all my painful relationship experiences put it in and because I finally freed it from bondage and stitched it up real nice I got to a place where I refused to let it go back behind the walls that I once had built to protect it. Now, instead of it being in the cage that the men put it in…I now had it in the palm of my hand with an unwilling grip to even open up slightly to love and be loved!

God created me with a HUGE heart! I love people to pieces! I see the good even when others may see nothing but bad…BUT my pain caused me to go from one extreme to the other. So instead of loving recklessly like I use to I became numb to even loving at all. Being very nonchalant and truly not caring who came or left (as it relates to men)! That’s not me.

I’ve developed selfish/conditional love because I’ve poured out so much and found myself empty. So now I need to know ahead of time “what’s in it for me?!” and if nothing is the answer then I won’t give anything either. Is this all right?! ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Will I take the steps to change now that I am AWARE?! You betcha I am!

God cares so much about my heart (and yours) that after He gave me a face to face talk about my heart He then followed it up with 2 sermons, 1 friend, and 1 song telling me the EXACT same thing (unbeknownst to any of them!).

That same Sunday, T.D. Jakes preached about “Heart Attack” and that was just a double whopper confirmation of the image God showed me earlier that morning!! Then I went to church at Mount Zion and Bishop Walker talked about “What You’ve Been Waiting on is About to Happen”. Both of these sermons revealed to me that I had hardened my heart. I had anesthetized my own heart to avoid any further hurt and disappointment. I had become the pro at numbing and shrugging my shoulders saying “hmm who cares!” or “whatever, I’ve heard that before!”

My friend essentially was saying the same things to me as well. But THEN on Monday I was playing music getting ready to go to my prayer closet to spend time with God because I needed to deal with my heart issues and this random song that I never heard came on. It is called “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey. I wasn’t really listening to it until those simple words…tell your heart to beat again…rang in my spirit and I immediately started to cry! It struck a cord in my heart once again! It was like a defibrillator to my heart. It was a confirmation upon confirmation upon confirmation that I literally was killing my heart ALL ON MY OWN!! Forget another man “breaking it” I was KILLING IT!! In all of this God was saying CLEAR…SHOCK! Trillion let your heart LIVE again!

I am still in the process just like everyone else. I’m just a wounded healer who has to continue to do a “heart check” too! But if I may encourage you as I encourage myself…don’t let your experiences change you…I use to give love so freely not expecting anything in return but my past pains has tried to take that gift away from me. As you can imagine…with the ministry and calling in my life I CAN’T HAVE A DEAD HEART!! EVERYTHING that I do and talk about has to do with our HEART! There is still life after pain so tell your heart it is okay to live again!


Stay tuned for more information on how to survive in your new (but uncomfortable normal) once you’ve stepped out of the cage!

But for now, here are 6:

  1. Forget about yesterday and move on!
  2. Relinquish control over your life to God
  3. Learn to deal with ambiguity
  4. Don’t worry about “what if”
  5. Learn to Trust God 100%
  6. Know that all things are working for your good

The ultimate goal is to open your hands and let your heart be free!

free heart

Are you in this same place? Or, have you ever been in this place before? How did you change from a dead/hardened heart to a beating and loving heart again?


If you like what you have read and want to learn more about how to free your heart then sign up to receive more updates about my new book The Caged in Heart. It is all about freeing our heart from the cage our past experiences put it in. You can begin reading the first chapter for FREE today. You can even watch the book trailer for the book here.

Pre-Order Your copy today.



I would love to hear from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s