Today after getting home from church I didn’t feel my typical “upbeat self” so I fixed myself some lunch and took about a 3 hour nap. After I woke up I still didn’t feel up beat. I couldn’t put my finger on it but my spirit was recognizing some sort of off balance. So I got up and decided to go to my prayer closet in my house and pray that I begin to feel better by being in His presence.
I started asking questions about certain things and found myself getting irritated. Then, I looked over and saw a book that I have lying on the floor called “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” by John & Stasi Eldredge. I felt a nudge for me to turn to a certain page and I did so. I started reading with kind of a ugh “I already know this” kind of attitude and suddenly I found myself in tears.
This particular segment that I was instructed to turn to first started off talking about the passage from Hosea 2:6-7 and how Jesus basically has to get anything out of our way that is blocking us from completely seeking after Him for all of our needs.
Then John & Stasi go on and provide an example of one lady who shared her testimony and it said, “…because of the defensiveness I buried my truly feminine heart which longs so deeply to be pursued and fought for, to be seen as beautiful…I stand now in this risky place of vulnerability, with a bleeding heart waiting and praying.”
The reason that I began to cry was because I was able to see my own self in this woman’s testimony. As I shared in my first Youtube video, I have always been used to portraying myself as this woman that has everything together and a woman that lets nothing get to her. I am so accustomed to being “Miss Independent” and “Sista Soldier” because standing my ground and holding my own is what I have always known.
I am used to saying “don’t worry about it…I can do it myself” because that is just the type of woman that I have grown to be. I really have not been given the opportunity with a man to truly put my guard down and be a “weak” (meaning vulnerable here), needing a defender, feminine, willing to be pursued type of woman…until now!
In my eyes being a strong woman is a beautiful thing (and it is don’t get me wrong) but if that strength is trying to overpower the strength that God wants to show us then it isn’t so beautiful after all. God wants to be our rescuer, our defender, and our protector and if our guards are constantly up and if we are constantly finding safety in other things then we are holding on to the wrong strength.
After reading this portion in the book, I was then able to understand why I wasn’t so upbeat after leaving church today. At the moment, I didn’t understand it but the sermon was tugging at some unresolved problems that my spirit was picking up on. Today’s message titled “It Won’t End That Way” came from Ezekiel 16:6-9 and my pastor was talking about how Jesus passes by us in our own life and sees us lying in our own blood but He stops by and tells us to live and then He covers us. The 3 reasons Bishop mentions of why we bleed are (1) our own personal failures (i.e. poor decisions), (2) other people’s foolishness (i.e. bad relationships), and (3) God’s providence (i.e. wanting to mature us).
It all came full circle for me after picking up that book Captivating. Seeing that I too, am a woman that is still walking around living life but with a bleeding heart. Bleeding from all the unvisited and buried wounds that others have caused. The ones that I just brushed under the rug and said, “I won’t worry about it, it doesn’t bother me, I will forget them in no time.” When in reality I didn’t and I haven’t.
This toughness that I have is due to all of the expectations that each male, time after time have yet to meet. Those that said they would be there….but were no where to be found. Those that said they would protect me…but left me open to hurt. Those that said they would come back for me…and still I wait.
So now I understand why I am a “do it myself” type of woman. None of the men in my life have yet to so I might as well do it myself! Right?! Wrong!
God has opened an invitation to me tonight to allow Him to be my rescuer, the one who pursues me, the one who will save me, the one who will love me unconditionally, the one who will be everything that I have never had and more! And tonight, I have accepted that invitation.
Now I understand what this particular man was saying when he prophesied to me a year ago and said, “God says He is pursuing you…you need to slow down and let Him catch you.” I thought I did let Him catch me but I didn’t. Me being so use to doing stuff on my own without the help of men per-say was even showing in my relationship with God.
I am excited about this new journey of truly allowing God to pursue me…the way it should be done 🙂
And I am glad to say…after being in my prayer closet….I NOW feel good! 😉
∆ Phone God: Thank you Daddy for being the awesome Dad and Man that I need in my life! I thank you for your relentless and unconditional love! I thank you for pursuing me and never stopping! Now I totally surrender my all to you. I put down my defenses and am willing to allow myself to be feminine and vulnerable with you…the way that you originally created me to be. I am excited about this new journey of ours. In Jesus name. Amen.
∆Chew on this:
∆Ponder on this:
- Do you have any unresolved problems in your life that you have left under the rug that need to be re-visited for healing?
- Have you truly made God your primary source in every aspect of your life?
- How does your relationship with others show in your relationship with God?
∆Act on this
- Find yourself a “prayer closet” in your home if you do not already have one. [Doesn’t have to literally be a closet…just a nice quiet place where you can get alone…mine is my dining room]
- Have a honest conversation with God about your hurts/pains/wounds and invite Him in to heal you and to break those lies that you have held on to for so long.
- Open up your heart to God and let Him in to really pursue you the way He desires.
© Trillion Small 2013 All Rights Reserved.